I AM DONE WITH CHEMO.
for now. fuck you, 12 sessions of chemo. i hope that medical science makes some big strides in the near future, because i never want this to happen to you or anyone you know. it’s terrible beyond description. it’s sad, boring, and painful for everyone involved. some people dont make it out okay, and i cant even comprehend how much worse that must be :(
the “journey” isn’t over though. more tests loom on the horizon, and i might have to do radiation. i don’t know if i’m cancer-free yet. fingers crossed. gods prayed to. virginal sacrifices made.
I HATE THIS SO MUCH. Things aren’t enjoyable as they used to be. Music doesn’t sounds as good as I remember it being. I’m really close; I only have one more session of chemo to go. I can’t tell if I’M wearing people down, or if this whole process is. I’m just hoping that things can go back to normal when all of this is over. Radiation therapy is a whole other can of worms, but maybe, MAYBE, I won’t have to do it. I just keep thinking back to the Lord of the Rings, where Frodo has the realization that things can never really go back to how they were after such a big life change. About how some people were safe from this change, and that some things (like the Shire, or a previous life) could be saved, but not for Frodo himself. Something about how some wounds go too deep. And as cheesy as that is, I’m afraid that this is how it’s going to turn out for myself. I want to pick up my life from where I left off in April, but I’m not sure if that can happen. I’m really not sure how things are going to turn out when all of this is over, but I’m trying to stay hopeful. When you’re on chemo, everything bigger than walking to the bus stop is a huge ordeal. I’m not even joking. I picked up some groceries today, and I didn’t think I was going to make it home without collapsing or throwing up in public. I feel like I have so much to say, but it’s getting harder and harder to organize my thoughts and keep ideas straight. The words don’t come to me as easily as they did before. Everything just feels like a huge jumble in my brain. My stomach hurts and my head hurts and I just want all of this to be over already. I want to be comfortable again. These last few weeks are going to be rough for me and everyone else involved, and I’m really going to need some extra help to push me over the last hump. So please forgive the impending neediness, and whining.
the absolute worst part of this whole ordeal?
telling my parents.
i can’t even begin to explain how heartbreaking it is to think about how my parents feel about all of this.
I have so much homework this week; it’s kind of ridiculous. But, it’s not like I didn’t know that, coming in to this program. I’m not surprised, it just sucks that I’m hauling ass and getting shit done with nothing to look forward to. It’s easy for my friends and classmates to say that they just have to get through this week, or that they can party when the week’s over. All I have to look forward to is another shitty weekend of chemotherapy. I can’t drink or go out with friends or just relax when this week is over. I get to drag myself through these assignments just so I can get to Friday and go to the hospital, and feel sick and sore and nauseous throughout the weekend. I get to stay in bed and sleep for most of the day and feel crappy through the long weekend, Thanksgiving, and my anniversary. I get to stay in bed, struggle to sleep, throw up, cry, and think about why all of this is happening to me. It doesn’t help that I’m surrounded by people who constantly try to convince me that school is not the avenue I should be taking. It’s so fucking discouraging to constantly hear that school is not going to get me a job, that my instructors don’t know what they’re talking about, that school doesn’t teach me how “the industry” works, that I’m not really gaining anything through this program, that BCIT just here to take my money and they don’t care about the development of my skills. There’s nothing I can do that anymore. If school is just scamming me out of $15k, and this program’s not going to get me where I want to be, there’s really not much I can do about that right now. I’m stressed enough about finishing my projects as is. I don’t need to hear that I’m working hard for nothing anymore. For a long time, I was looking forward to being done chemotherapy in November, but now that might not be the reality. I feel like, the closer I get to the light at the end of the tunnel, it just slips a little further away from me; like it’s an optical illusion, and I’m not really getting closer, it just seems like I am.
I think maybe I’m just losing my grip on reality; I am just getting weary from the journey, and my legs are starting to give way. I know that I’m “close”, but there’s not much I can do to hold my metaphorical wagon together. I feel like things are falling apart around me and I’m losing sight of where I’m supposed to be going. I feel like I need help to get over the last few hurdles, and maybe something awesome to motivate myself to get there.
Hi there! Thanks for the messages.
I’m sorry to hear about your brother. I have Lymphoma, which is a cancer very similar to Leukemia. Where Leukemia affects red blood cells and the circulatory system, Lymphoma affects the white blood cells and the lymph system. It is apparently a cancer that is common in younger people. I’m alright. Just had a chemo session today; needless to say, it totally sucked. All this stuff makes me feel so lonely, I don’t even know how to put it into words. I feel like I can describe all the fallout effects of all of this pretty well, except for the emotional damage it’s doing. I generally consider myself to be pretty confident in how I look and carry myself, but a lot of that has changed since I started chemo. I think about how other people perceive me a lot more than usual, even though I know it doesn’t really matter.
I had a CT scan this week which showed that the cancerous mass in my chest is shrinking. It started at about 12cm across and is down to about 4cm. I talked to my oncologist, and she said that I may have to do radiation therapy when I’m done chemo, as she doesn’t expect it all to be gone when I’m done. We’re not sure yet, and there will be more tests when I’m done chemo to determine whether I really need radiation or not. Let’s hope for NO. Radiation therapy would be every day for about a month. It sounds pretty crappy >.>
So, thank you for the kind words. I can’t wait for all of this to be over.
I hate this so so so much. I hate this more than I can properly put into words. I hate how this makes me look and feel. I hate how this makes the people around me feel. I can tell that they’re sad or uncomfortable or unsure or scared. Or all of the above. I hate how lonely this makes me feel. I know that I have “good weekends”, but they always seem to fly by, whereas my bad days always drag out. It’s always on my mind. It’s hard having a good weekend and thinking about what a good time I had, and then immediately having to go to chemo. It’s extremely depressing. I hate everything about this.